Blood.Stream: Craziest Barge Fights Part 1

Hello! Thank you for tuning in to Blood.Stream! The only network that brings you the best Barge Fights 24 hours a day anywhere in the D-Verse. On today’s episode, we will be showing you clips from the craziest Barge Fights in history! Hold on to your seats, it’s gonna get crazy around here!

First up, we have a non-sanctioned barge fight with two rookie Lanistas at the helm controlling their Helot fighters for the first time. Rumor has it, these two arrived in the Nexus on the same day, minced some words, and have had it out for each other ever since. Here, we can see them in the Lanista chariot above the arena. It looks like they are exchanging some words. The announcers are doing the pre-fight introductions, the Helot fighters are being raised to the arena level. The match will start any minute now.

The starting bell rings and both Helots are looking up at their Lanistas, awaiting commands. But it looks like the two Lanistas are more interested in yelling at each other than giving commands to their Helots. This argument is really getting heated! The crowd is starting to yell and boo — throwing things in the arena — they came here for action! One Lanista gets right in the face of the other one — and then it happens. He gets pushed backwards by the other Lanista! His back against the railing he charges forward and punches his opponent in the head. Back and forth, the two Lanistas are exchanging blows as their Helots — down on the arena below watch their masters fight each other. The crowd seems curiously satisfied with the two Lanistas fighting, now blood running from their faces — but this crowd’s thirst for blood isn’t going to be quenched that easily.

The two Lanistas fight for several minutes. As they begin to tire out the crowd gets restless again and starts booing them and throwing bottles — one of which catches one Lanista in the side of the head — knocking him dizzy for a moment. The other Lanista sees his chance and charges him with the remainder of his strength — he pushes him so hard he flies over the railing — the crowd erupts in cheers as the standing Lanista looks down and sees his rival has landed in a bed of spikes — designed for Helot fighters, the bed of spikes has made short work of this tiny Lanista — with one spike driven right through his left eye — blood is dripping down off the spikes and pooling on the arena floor. The two Helots have sat down and begun to eat things they have found thrown into the arena. The announcers come on the airways and declare the remaining Lanista the winner and now the proud owner of an extra Helot. Let’s hear it for the rookie Lanista! He has won his first match!!

Now for a word from our sponsors —

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And back to our program.

That’s right and welcome back to Blood.Stream: Craziest Barge Fights! That first clip was crazy indeed, but we have more coming for you tonight ladies and gentlemen so grab a drink and a bowl of your favorite snacks, it’s going to be a wild night!

Next up is a crazy Barge Fight between the crowd favorite Lanista “G” with his Zealot-motivated Helot versus some other no name idiot with his Supremacist-motivated Helot. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a crowd this ravenous over a Lanista. The bleachers are filled with pennants with G’s on them, shirts, hats, cups, everything you can imagine is branded with the legendary G insignia. The announcers make their introductions and you can hear the crowd yell “Geeeeeeeeeeeee!” from two barges over! Their excitement is at an eleven!!! The Helot fighters are raised to the arena and the fight begins.

Lanista G jumps out to an early attack, hitting the Supremacist with a wild dagger throw cutting his left arm — then he charges the Supremacist but stops short to mock him making a frowning face and pointing at his arm. The crowd explodes in laughter “Geeeeee!” Oh boy, while the crowd loves nothing more than a good taunt, the Supremacist is enraged by it!! Look at him roar back!! The Supremacist lunges at G’s Helot, tackling him to the ground. He is striking him furiously. There is nothing he can do!! The blood is flowing out of G’s Helot, this could be the end for him!! The crowd is roaring boos and throwing things in the arena. They are really upset their favorite Helot is losing! G’s Helot looks to be losing consciousness being repeatedly struck in the head by the large fists of the Supremacist — then, the unthinkable happens.

As the crowd favorite, Lanista G’s Helot lay on the ground, getting beaten to a pulp — suddenly a few of the crowd jumps over the railing and starts charging the Supremacist. As others see them jumping rails, they too are inspired to join. Next thing you know, hundreds of fans are down in the pit of the arena charging after the Helot. The Supremacist swings wildly knocking back fans three or four at a time. It’s pandemonium in here! This is a first as far as I know! A few wild fans jump on the back of the Helot and he is now ripping them off and throwing them, some landing into the floor saws on the barge — cutting them instantly into bits of mush. More and more fans are piling onto the Helot as he is biting and clawing them, splitting their bodies open — but they just won’t stop coming! The frenzied crowd overpowers the Helot and pins him to the ground. I can’t believe what I’m seeing!!

The hundreds of crazed fans stab, claw, and bite at the trapped Supremacist Helot — his roars turn into screams as he knows there is nothing anyone can do for him. The fans are covered in the blood of their victim as he breathes his last breath. The fans erupt in a loud cheer “Geeeeeeee!” as they run over to their favorite Helot and hoist him up on their shoulders. He’s alive!!! Lanista G, the crowd favorite — wow! — Somehow, some way, he…YES, it’s official — G Wins!!!!! Now THAT is a loyal fan base ladies and gentleman!

Now for another word from our sponsors.

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And back to our program.

Yes! And welcome back to Blood.Stream Craziest Barge Fights! I told you tonight was going to be a night to remember! Don’t touch that dial! — Not that there are any other channels in the Nexus! — There is still more to come in tonight’s special episode of Blood.Stream Craziest Barge Fights!

Here we have a classic Barge Fight from way back. I bet your parents told you about this story. Well, tonight we have it for you ladies and gentlemen. Forgive the quality, it’s a bit grainy given the age of this clip. I promise you, it’s worth it! This Barge Fight takes place on the old style barges. Back then, the entire arena floor would raise up from the bottom with the Helots on it — not like now where just a tiny section is raised. Here you can see the Lanistas on their perch. The two Helots can be seen way down at the bottom of the barge waiting to be lifted up. Announcements are made and the Lanistas take their bows to the crowd. The signal is given to the Barge Captain to raise the floor — but nothing is happening.

The announcers give the signal again to the Barge Captain to no avail. They call out to him laughingly, “You sleeping up there Cap?” they say. Still no answer. Suddenly, the walls start quickly closing in on the barge floor — they used to have compactors built into the floors for faster clean up back in those days. The Helots are jumping up the sides of the walls, clawing trying to get out. They jump as high as they can and slide back down to the floor — being pushed to the center. The crowd is cheering. They can’t believe what they are seeing! The Lanistas watch in horror, helpless as their Helots get squished tighter and tighter until — pop! The two Helots explode like giant zits. Blood, guts, and brain matter spray over the top of the compactor. The two Lanistas are screaming towards the Barge Captain’s quarters — infuriated that their expensive Helot’s lives have been wasted and they made no money off of it. Someone goes to check on the Captain — then the internal lights come on in the Captains quarters.

Fully illuminated and on the big screen, we can see the Captain’s back. He’s sitting on the control board! Then a female pops up from between his legs and wipes her mouth. The Captain, now noticing he’s on the big screen, quickly turns around sheepishly and pulls up his pants. He runs and turns the lights off as the crowd erupts in laughter and cheers. The two Lanistas raising their fists at the embarrassed Captain — they cuss him for a minute but then — not able to hold it in any longer bust out in laughter themselves at the absurdity of what has just happened. Now THAT is one for the books ladies and gentleman!

Thank you for tuning in to the first episode of Blood.Stream Craziest Barge Fights! I told you that you wouldn’t want to miss this one! If you liked this episode, don’t worry! Part 2 of Blood.Stream Craziest Barge fights will be airing next week! Tune in and see the hilarious carnage of the most insane Barge Fights ever recorded!

Whew– I’m glad that’s over. That last one was funny as fuck! Makes me want to go get a blowjob myself hahah! What? Wait — the microphone is still on? Shit.. *ruffle…click*

 

 

 

Tales from the Nexus: Lion King Lanista

I don’t think anyone will tell you that being a Lanista and leading Helots in Barge Fights is easy — but because of a little surprise I got right when I first arrived at the Nexus — being a Lanista is extra hard for me Sweety. You see, when I first arrived I was excited — like most people are — and went out for a night on the town. Drinking, dancing, laughing, living life like there was no tomorrow. — I met so many great people that first night –in fact, I woke up with two of them in the bed next to me — I wish I could remember their names — but sa la vie! Well, wouldn’t ya know — a few months later — after some nice success in the Barge Fights, I found out I was pregnant. The Nexus certainly is no place for a baby — or anyone that is pregnant for that matter — but I was just having so much success as a Lanista, there was no way I was going home now. Here it is, over eight months later and I am about to start my biggest Barge Fight to date — I am certainly the underdog here and the timing couldn’t be worse — but this is my chance to make a break through in my career!

So, here I am again — perched above the arena in my Lanista chariot — waiting for the announcers to finish with their dribble so my Helot can get to fighting –“Snappie” I call it — I know you are not supposed to name your Helots, but I just couldn’t help myself after I saw Snappie for the first time — little cutie-pie it is. The announcers finally seem to be wrapping up their opening introductions and I see two small sections of the arena floor open. Down below is my Snappie and its opponent — some weird little Helot with what looks like 100 little bags of — well, everything all over it. Seems like it hasn’t thrown away anything its ever come across. I know this Helot’s Lanista — almost everyone does — they have acquired a nice winning streak with this little Helot and probably has a lot of tricks up their sleeve — I know Snappie has its work cut out for it today. I hear the sound of metal gears and I see the platform on the bottom of the barge start to raise as Snappie and Back-pack-boy — that’s what I’m calling my opponent’s Helot — arrive at the arena’s surface. The crowd is cheering and chanting my opponent’s name. I can feel my baby jump in my belly at the sudden sounds and a cramp of pain runs through my stomach and lower back. I calm myself — and after doing a few deep breaths, I connect with Snappie telepathically — my Helot looks up at me with a focused glare and nods. My cutie-pie is all ready to go! Let’s get this started!

Back-pack-boy jumps out fast — and in an almost sliding motion runs to his left behind a tall-slender pillar. Snappie runs to the right giving him a diagonal shot on Back-pack-boy — he lifts his arm and flings a dagger wildly — it clangs off Back-pack-boys shoulder. I see a flash of movement and a small sphere lands on the ground about five feet from Snappie — a bright light and a loud boom! — Snappie is thrown backwards and is now lying on the ground dazed. I feel another sharp pain in my stomach that radiates towards my back — I grimace from the pain. Suddenly Snappie’s head turns towards me and his eyes get wide. He jumps up off the ground and his eyes are clearly fixed on Back-pack-boy. Snappie dives towards him and his claws slash the small Helot’s back — tearing off several layers of bags — devices, weapons, and all types of debris fall to the arena floor. Back-pack-boy seems to be digging around for something — seemingly not able to find it — then, with a flash of light that seems to blind my Helot temporarily — the tiny Helot leaps on top of Snappie and starts unleashing a flurry of slashes against his chest, arms, waist, and legs. Clearly hurt, Snappie is on his back in a defensive posture. Back-pack-boy is continuing to slash at Snappie as blood is pooling up around his body — he’s able to block some blows but a lot are landing. — Oh the pain is coming again — I feel as I am going to pass out from the waves of sharp sensations radiating from my stomach through to my back. What is wrong with me? Am I sick? — Then it hits me — Oh hell — I am going into labor!

Every contraction seems to get more painful and closer together. I’m thinking this is going to be the end of my time — and poor Snappie — in the Nexus. Then I notice something interesting. Every contraction seems to invigorate Snappie somehow. The stronger the contraction, the more fierce Snappie seems to become. Another hard contraction hits and I scream in agony — Snappie forcefully pushes his opponent off of him and he falls backwards. Oh my god — this baby is coming now! I’m sitting in the Lanista chariot now with my legs up starting to push — the pain is unbearable. I can see down below — Snappie seems to be feeding off my pain — he is now completely focused on the tiny Helot in front of him. The baby’s head is crowning — ripping my flesh. Now dripping in his own blood, Snappie — in one swift motion, jumps with both hands high in the air — landing with both claws outstretched — they both hit their mark digging deep into the chest of Back-pack-boy. Now, screaming, the baby’s shoulders are coming out as I am slowly pulling the baby with my bloody hands. Snappie’s claws are inside the chest of the Helot and are pulling as well. The baby finally comes all the way out and I look down just in time to see Snappie ripping the heart out of the chest of Back-pack-boy. Holding my baby up, cord still attached — blood and afterbirth still dripping — I show it to the crowd. At the same time I see Snappie lift the still-beating heart up in the same, proud way. Here were are — connected by the satisfaction of everything the pain has brought us. The crowd erupts in cheers — and now they are chanting MY name — the announcers come over the air stuttering and stammering  — not sure how to narrate what has just taken place. I look down at my blood-soaked Helot proudly and — still connected telepathically — say “Well done Snappie. We did it Cutie-pie.”

Twisting Catacombs, Litchmyre Dungeon on Kickstarter

I ran across this one on Kickstarter the other day and glanced at it really quick. Then, I saw D-Verse Publishing, LLC. back it and I gave it another look. This is not a tabletop game, but are hand-sculpted miniatures by Boris Woloszyn. Group shot

What caught my eye right away is the old-school look of all the characters. It reminded me a lot of the artwork my friends would draw in study hall circa 1990. The dwarf hero and the goblin villain are two of my favorites.

According to the Kickstarter page, the miniatures are divided into three size tiers which are ‘Hero Sized’, ‘Mighty Sized’ and ‘Monstrous Sized,’ but do not give the dimensions of them. Each tier has its own price point with the option to upgrade from standard resin to either metal or premium resin as an add-on. ‘Hero Size’ miniatures are available for a pledge as low as $7 USD and sets are available to purchase as well.

Goblin and Orc

The Kickstarter itself is done pretty well. There is a modest, yet realistic funding goal, stretch goals, and a the pricing seems more than fair. I like the way they tell us about their history of producing miniatures for Kickstarter, this one being their third. They also give homage to their roots as they say, “We are heavily inspired by classic RPG games; playing old fantasy games from the 80s is what started all this madness in the first place!” I am glad to see there are still people in the industry that enjoy the old look and feel from the 80s and 90s.

Heroes

If you get a moment, go check out their Kickstarter, which is already funded, and maybe throw them some love. If we want old-school stuff to make a comeback, we need to support those that are making it possible!

Kickstarter can be found here:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/zealotminiatures/twisting-catacombs-litchmyre-dungeon

 

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